Waiting

Grief comes in many forms. The passing of a friend for whom you had no advanced warning.  The friend lived in silence and drank and smoked himself to death. The loss of beloved pets suddenly.  A child's miscarriage.  After several. Neighbors who should be living away from people.

You know these are just thoughts. Emotions are thoughts.  My thoughts in this case. You also know the theories behind these thoughts.  Especially when you teach them.  You also know you are there for those you love.  First and foremost.  And that maybe...is the challenge. How often are you there for yourself?

You feel the world's suffering.  Friends who aren't where they want to be.  Family who struggle in all the ways humans struggle when they want things to be different than they are.

Well, my friends.  My heart is broken.  I haven't been sleeping for some time now. My doc and friend wants to put me on a mild antidepressant, a non - SSRI for short term so I can sleep more than two hours at a time. I gracefully decline. I didn't tell her I had chest pain last night.  Again. I just showed her my shingles that erupted on my left arm nearly two weeks ago. I am pretty uncomfortable now.  She says I am in the end stages of shingles. I am in the end stages.  I am not sure of what.

She wants to know why I wait so long to talk about this.  I want to know, too.

I want to know why I put up with people in my life who don't have their act together.  I am a far better friend to them.  But I do what I know to do.  Distance myself.  Up here on the mountain. It is easier and quiet.  Especially when my neighbor's dogs do their hourly barkarama.  I hang up the phone after a chat with our association president.  Damn wimp. There are too many wimps out there for my liking.

Right now, I just want to cry.  So many losses in such a brief amount of time. I am waiting.