One of the things I really miss is the warmth of another person beside me. Hands connect like a like a magnet to effortlessly, deliberately as they rest together on the mattress you share. A slight roll toward them in the early morning, just as the sun comes over the horizon, the smile of someone who really wants to be next to you is the first thing you notice. You are there because you want the same thing. Them. Their facial gestures tell a story of your life together. They just want to be close.
I awakened early this morning with that on my mind. It doesn't happen every night. I have dated a mixture of people in my seventeen years of singledom. Some interesting, some really damaged, some caring men. I suppose when you sequester yourself in a bubble for so long, taking on the identity of another, you don't see all the people who are just lost. Lost because of poor parenting, lack of nurturing, importance. You are lost because you aren't in a place that serves you. You are there because you made a commitment, you have children to raise who matter more than your happiness for yourself.
The retirement years offer a window into things more vivid than they could have been when you are a student, working full time, taking care of your family and running through your life. You are caught in the moment of joy and happiness watching your family grow. You like being a part of something far more important than yourself.
In any community where I lived, I was drawn to a variety of people. Much of my interest has been working and hosting people from different countries. I have hosted students from France, England, Italy and China. While I thoroughly enjoy European culture, Asian culture fascinates me. I enjoy eastern philosophies and being among people who live them. One such person is the woman who does my nails. She grew up in Vietnam. One of ten children, she was raised mostly by older siblings. Her mother at the time of her birth was 47. Vin was the youngest of her family. Whenever she speaks about them, it is with the deepest love, warmth and affection. She misses the time when everyone was together. She doesn't miss the government, nor the poverty of living in Vietnam. She has been in the United States nearly twenty years. Despite all the isolation, deprivation she exudes so much warmth. Her husband is quite westernized, as is she.
Vin is the age of my children and has a six year old daughter. We talk about relationships, hers, mine. She wonders how I fare in life as a single woman with my children and grandchildren living at a distance. I tell her I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Maybe it will change and I will find a wonderful, loving partner. I am glad, grateful beyond words that I found myself. I tell her I am lucky because I can travel to see them, live in paradise and have such a good life. I know there is someone who wants a heart like mine. Someone warm, loving who wants to share a life with me. I am here for a reason.
But it will happen again. I will awaken, roll over and there he will be. His hand will magnetize mine, his warmth will spill over, his smile will greet mine. Our day will begin. Together.
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