Anew

It is close to the end of this calendar year.  Time to delete all the frustrations I have written.  Time to release them to the wind.  Maybe that is why it has been so windy of late. 

Some say this full moon this 28^th day of December is the reason for the gloominess, maybe it is the end of the frustration.  It's been my nearly constant companion way too long.  Point blank, this life can be tough.  My mind can be tough.  It has been like this for the past three years. Mostly. 

But I still feel wise.  I know what I know.  I know my truth.  But where is the adventure?  Have I found it but haven't accessed it?  Maybe I don't need to find it.  Maybe I am already living it? Why doesn't it feel comfy?

Then I wonder about the melancholy.  I grow weary of being told I am deep.  If you see me as deep, you are way too shallow.  That in and of itself, says a lot about the kinds of people I can be around.  Scorpios require depth.  We see things in wholeness.  I understand others might not.  I, too, have my own limitations.  I love deep, centered folks.  Open folks.  Funny folks. Positive folks.

I think this disillusionment it really began, or at least I felt it as such when I organized a group of environmentalists to bring about some well needed changes in the county where I lived for a decade or so in the south.  One particular fellow, whose company I had enjoyed in the past…just friends... showed his true colors.  To say I was more than disappointed is an understatement. As I organized the group with no particular ownership to it, I made a simple requirement.  There would be no centralized leader.  We would all have a vested interested.  When this fellow dominated the group, I made a gracious exit.  No explanation.  I was done.  Finito. It was at that point that I felt more than empty.  Empty. My reason for being in the mountains was finished.  I could no longer function in the person I had become. 

It seemed that my course was set to change.  Life does that.  Gives you obstacles through which you need to navigate in order to come back to yourself.  The trouble is I am not feeling back to myself.  I am not sure any more just what that is.  I have changed.  I've always felt hopeful.  Until now. I feel sad.  Numb.  Lost.  

In being lost, maybe I am finding a new course.  A new self.  One that is more sustainable.  Maybe my jaunt to the mountains was about that.  To learn sustainability.  To find that elusive grounding.  Whatever it is, I surrender.  

Could it be that in the surrender one is made anew?  I hope so.