On Loss

Over the years, I've known some losses.  Loss of my dad, who walked out on us.  Loss of my brother who moved away young in life.  Loss of my mom who cut everyone off.  That is my family of origin.  I don't talk about it much.  The pain runs deep.

I married a man who was not able to have a relationship.  With anyone.  It took me 28 years married, 2 years with him before marriage, to love myself enough to expect..want... more.  More in a relationship.  Perhaps that is the worst kind of pain.  Wanting something that you just can't have.  Then having to do something about it. 

But that is also good news.  It is about ultimately wanting something from yourself.  Something that you can provide.  It really isn't that hard.  You just have to be still.  Present.  It doesn't come from running away.

I am in pain now.  My dog passed a few days ago. She is the one looking up.

                  This photo was taken just before Molly passed, the last photo of my dogs together. 

 Molly had three grand mal seizures the days before.  She knows. She is smelling an animal in the woods.  It is a familiar pose.  Her younger sister, Jessy is investigating something on the ground.

Molly is gone now. Watching her sister, who is in very poor health, looking all around for her, breaks my heart.  Jessy always wants to go into the garage now.  She walks around the car and wants to go into it.  At first, I wasn't sure what this was about.  So I took her into town.  Never one to walk on a leash, she walked side to side.  After a time, she began to look around.  While I didn't see her tail wag, she did begin to perk up a bit.  When it was time to go home, she found our car easily enough and sat down.  She loves riding in the back.  Loves looking outside.

                                                      this photo was taken yesterday

Loss is the great teacher.  A sad teacher but a necessary one. It forces you to deal with the myriad of things in your life, things in your world that you refuse to deal with.  We push these things aside, deny them hide them.  We tell ourselves we have to move on.  But we don't.  Not really.  These things are always present. Stored for that time when it is no longer so painful to remember.  Stored for a time when you can no longer control it.  Your collective pain body is about to burst.  You burst for so many reasons.

I don't want to store any more pain.  Ever.  It only makes the losses were difficult.  Like you, I have known my share of losses.  But they won't be stored for a time when it is safe to remember.  It is safe to have all of these feelings. 

Now.