This Thing Called Life

The last few days I have been dragging.  Knowing my bodymind like I do, I should have suspected something.  I have not been sleeping well at all.  I haven't felt so much anxiety since my divorce.  Even then, I could at least sleep.  The anxiety is deep seated and comes from a lifetime of living on the cusp. On high alert.  Will will pass.  After all, it is just thoughts. That I understand the theory doesn't make it so easy on the application.

Family members remind me I was the lucky one.  The one with the least anxiety.  I am not so sure about that.  I must mask it well.  Or, I did.

One of the things I am most grateful this year is that the mask has come off. Emotions are flying everywhere from worrying about close friends, mourning the passing of a few, and feeling the pain of my children.  But then, I am a Scorpio.  We feel everything.

I dreamed about a plane crashing into a mountain a few weeks back.   I am deeply upset that happens.  Upset for the victims, upset that I feel it.  I have learned NOT to write everything down like I did this past year.  It only makes it more intense. I am learning to be more quiet within so that I don't miss anything.

The blessing with all this intensity is that I meditate.  Daily.  I believe all of this is coming to a head.  Maybe more melt-downs.  I am learning to allow the process and stay on the mountain until my head is clear.  Even if only long enough to allow me to latte in town, run errands and watch the grass grow.

At the same time, I feel a lot of joy.  I see more and more people standing up to the police state we are in.  Locally, my Sheriff's Department is under scrutiny and it is well nigh time.  Fortunately, I have never seen a department operate with such autonomy and arrogance in my life.  They forget who pays their salary.  Their selective disclosure is both immature and inappropriate.  I am glad we have people willing to stand up to them.  I say this with immense compassion and kindness because we all suffer when egos flare up.  We only have to look into the mirror.

I've experienced a lot of dissatisfaction the last few years.  With society, with myself.  But you my friends, understand because you, too, have been there.  Yes, this too, shall pass.

To my dear friends who have been there for me through all of this, and through life, I love you dearly!